2025-07-11_get up

get up.

can’t. didn’t. all weekend, i couldn’t get up. i stayed in my bed, watching video after video, writing a couple lines of html. vegetating. why? because i couldn’t do anything else. my body said no. the last 8 months i’ve been sprinting caught up to me and my legs gave out. i couldn’t get up. i haven’t spent a weekend like that in what feels like (and might actually be) years. i’ve been sprinting for so long. i’ve been catching up for so long. catching up to what? my own perception of what i should be doing with my life. what and how much energy i should be giving. what my limits should be. but that’s not how those things work. especially not limits. your limits are there. some of them cannot be changed without dissolving your body. others very much can and should be changed. but there are specific ways that change can work and others that will cause backlash and inevitable breakdown. the latter is how i’ve been trying to change my limits. when making decisions, i’ve been operating more with what i think they should be and less with what they actually are in that moment. and i empathize with the fragments of me that make those decisions. i feel their pain at seeing how much needs to be done to help and care for the world and wanting to do as much as possible to contribute to those massive projects.

i understand you. but i can’t let just you guide our actions any longer.

because if we keep going down this path, we’ll overstep our limits one more time (and we’ve already overstepped them many times), and that will be the last time in a long time. and i don’t want that, and i know that at the end of the day you don’t want that either. but a vast majority of the time, you don’t live at the end of the day. you’re right in the middle, getting things done, moving from one task to another, thinking about ever new ways and projects to contribute to and ever more things and causes you should be caring about and with. and that’s important. as you know very well, the middle of the day is where shit gets done, and the end of the day can only be valuable through what preceded it. there’s no use getting to the end of the day when all your queer friends are depressed and/or dead. there’s no use getting to the end of the day when there’s a genocide happening. there’s no use getting to the end of the day when the planet is burning. once again, i understand you. but if we keep living in the middle like this, not only might we never see the end, but we might never even get past the beginning. literally. we might not be able to get up. this is not a threat, it is sadly a promise. and the only way to undo it is to start living from and with/in our actual limits first, and then start moving from there to change them (& society’s) in the next steps. but to do any of that, we have to be able to get up.